I have some travel coming up (a leg of which will be solo) and, like all times that I prepare for a trip, I wonder what the hell I signed myself up for. Wouldn’t I be happier on my couch with a full bag of my favorite tortilla chips?
My brain wanders into doom territory and begins to suggest that my plans are wildly dangerous. Suddenly, the concept of keeping track of my keys, phone and wallet (and self) all while getting to and being in a new environment seems impossible.
And so, I prepare
I drop into a trance of tasks and it soothes me.
And of course I need all new clothing to freshen up my entire vibe for…strangers!
Creating to-do-lists and mini missions for myself is a way to reinforce that I can handle the unknown. I am prepared for everything. I have control.
And isn’t that a sweet little lie. To be fair, in travel scenarios the list-making and pursuit of some control passes as functional. I tend to over do it, but only I (and my anxious sweat-soaked pits) know that. I’m very clear on when I need to leave for the airport (and always leave a half our earlier than planned as a way to stop myself from pacing around the apartment), I know I won’t run out of underwear (I bring at least two pairs for every day that I am away) and I bring a bag that has a pocket reserved for each important document, tech accessory and extra mask (this all goes to shit the moment I hit security when I give myself a little thrill thinking I absolutely left my passport at home even though I made eye contact with it my entire ride to the airport).
Outside of the travel sphere, however, this level of prep doesn’t have such a clear or direct payoff. I never miss a bill payment and that’s a beautiful thing, but otherwise gripping onto the drive to do everything “right” (a growing pressure I feel in my thirties), creates more discomfort than grounding. Despite lots of messaging to the contrary, there aren’t any real parameters for what my life should look like. And while that should be a comforting thing, it stresses me out! Give me a check list, I beg of you!!!!
So, I’m working on that piece. How do I root down and trust that I’ve got myself? How do I know what’s good and right for me, moment to moment?
Some things I’m experimenting with:
Take myself on walks, or even better? Ride the ferry. There’s something about the water. Duh. It’s healing. There is glamour and wind and I smile like a freak and sometimes cry HARD. I bring sunglasses. Bring a friend sometimes.
Eat ravioli. Might I recommend the sweet corn & basil & ricotta ravioli from Trader Joe’s? I dip it in ketchup. You don’t have to do that (but you should).
Read children’s books. The messaging is really simple, direct and powerful. A recent find that rocked me: Sweep
Spend time with old childhood photo albums / journals
Hug an animal if you can
Why are all your posts so relatable