my love for dating apps

(kidding, but also not)

Good morning everyone,

I’m choosing to come forward today and bravely confess that I love dating apps. They are of course riddled with flaws (which I will get to), but at the simplest level the apps afford me the ability to explore my prospects in PJs and bypass the embarrassment of navigating the first flirtation in public. And it’s important to note here that “the first flirtation in public” concept doesn’t apply to me to begin with. a) I spook easy and b) when I leave the home I look like I’ve just rolled out of bed and am in the middle of trying to remember my dream: I’m muttering a to-do list to myself, have a collage of pimple patches on my face, and am dashing from point A to point B (and if point A and B involve a grocery store, I’m carrying canned pears and a bottle of ketchup. Hot stuff). If I happen to be listening to Lorde and wearing a cardigan, I delusionally think I look like heaven when I move about the world this way, but I assure you I don’t. And not that it’s all about looks, but my general vibe is unapproachable; catch me if you can (if you even want to).

And what about parties you ask? Well for one, I don’t go to them. But if I did, it’s mortifying for me to consider my friends witnessing me flirt. I’d have to accept the humiliating fact that they’d see me morph into a different version of myself and sitting with that notion alone would make me act even more displaced from my “true” self and then I’d start sweating and have to make an excuse to leave immediately. And that’s operating under the assumption that I’d even so much as make eye contact with someone I don’t know at a party.

On the apps (and this is a blessing and a curse), I can present a distilled, unchanging stand-in for myself. I don’t have to put on pants with a zipper to make first contact with my potential partner and this is cool to me. And most importantly, I appreciate the efficiency and straightforwardness of it all. When I make a plan for a first date, me and my CHOSEN ONE are going into it with the same general goal, at an agreed upon time and place.

With my praise and celebration out of the way, weeding and wading through the apps to get on the first date requires a lot of stamina, and while the act itself is endlessly convenient, I can very easily slip into a not-so-wonderful headspace.

I guess this is true of anything—but perhaps it’s pronounced because in the case of swiping there is no vulnerable act I’m doing on my end in real time as I review these profiles?—but I’ve noticed that the way I engage with the apps shifts dramatically depending on my particular mood or state of mind at the time. Something that I find almost unbearably irritating one day will seem absolutely neutral (or maybe even endearing?) the next. Is this the algorithmic version of fate/meet-cute/right “place",” right time?

When I get sucked into the tunnel, it’s hard to remember that I’m looking at real people who have dimension—the same type of undetectable dimension I’m worried I’ll never be able to encapsulate with my profile. And I never will be able to. It’s impossible. And, hate to break it to you and myself, but online dating means going on a lot of dates—and a lot of dates that are going to be misses.

Online dating while aware of this fact is a tough and exhausting endeavor, so I’ve created guidelines for myself to keep me ✨grounded and remotely sane✨ in the process.

Also, not sure if this happens to anyone else but try to refrain from obsessing over how your legs all of a sudden look totally different when you take that last glance in the mirror before heading out the door. This is first date brain. Your legs are fine. And this is where the capsule wardrobe really helps. These are the same pants and shoes you always wear and, I repeat, your legs are fine.

Over time, you and this outfit will meld together and become one. It will maybe even make dates feel routine? Psychology. This approach also prevents me from the enticing game of buying an entirely new wardrobe before a date which creates its own spiral because I inevitably end up dressing in way I truly never would and never will again.

This is my recipe for feeling relaxed but with a dash of excitement and “out on the town” confidence that will keep me from bailing last minute. This excitement can sometimes backfire if the date ends up being a dud. “I waxed my upper lip for this???” I’m all for letting a crush grow and spin for no apparent reason (it’s the spice of life—as my dear friend Sophie says), but it can be pretty deflating if the crush falls flat in reality. Which leads to tip #3, a new thing I’m trying out:

I want a pair of good-fitting pants so I have to remain optimistic that they’re out there. And the more I try on, the more information I’ll gather on the types of pants I tend to like. (This metaphor can go on and on if you’re game: I won’t force a pair on that I know aren’t fitting…I’ll take a chance on a cut I don’t usually go for…I’ll try and stay open so that I’m receptive to a good fit feeling when it comes from an unexpected place).

Another little trap I can fall into in the lead-up to a date is looking for cracks. And the lowest hanging fruit of all the cracks? My date showing up late. To which I counter:

We all deserve a bit of grace.

This is also a nice maneuver if you (like me) obsess over the minutiae of arriving at a place to meet a stranger. Can you imagine walking to the date only to realize the person you’re meeting is walking just steps ahead of you or right across the street? Or even worse, wondering the entire walk if they’re behind you? I’ve engaged with this nauseating schrödinger’s catwalk enough times to just go ahead and nip it in the bud. Gone are the days of trying to stagger my arrival.

And finally, the most important of them all:

I go on dates seeking connection (and maybe even some pleasure too), and when I don’t find that, I feel spat out on the other side, a little empty and disconnected from myself; drained from trying to fall into a rhythm with a new person and never quite getting there. A delicious snack or meal will patch that up (I’ve found most success with foods that are warm and somewhat saucy😘). The act of curling up with a cozy meal helps me recenter and reconnect with myself, and a nice little bonus if I can get ahold of a friend for a little debrief phone call while I eat.

Wishing everyone a flirtatious (in a fun, non-stressful way) week. Also would love know what everyone’s ideal post-date meal/snack is!