just to be chosen

all the ways i'll bend for that fleeting feeling

I write to you at the ripe and independent age of 33 to confess that I’m not yet as evolved and self-secure as I wish to be:

It’s a preoccupation commonly known as

One that I’d thought I’d outgrown.

All of this practice was put to a big test a couple of weeks ago when I negotiated a salary for a new job:

The numbers I’d crunched all felt like too much. Am I actually worth that much? I felt lost navigating my worth and then gathering the courage and gall to communicate where I’d landed: that I (me, my brain, my time) was valuable—and in the world we live in, that translates to $$$.

I’d been doing a lot of work in this arena re my personal relationships, dating and otherwise. That soaring feeling of being chosen, making someone happy, feeling “acceptable” fades, and when it does I need to make sure I’m left with a dynamic that feeds me. For example, that guy who’s evasive and mysterious? Sure, it feels pretty incredible to be the one to “crack the code,” or be “graced with their presence,” or finally get a response to a text message after 12.5 hours. But when I step back, what type of relationship am I left with? What dynamic am I signing up for? In dating, I’ve learned to catch myself when I get that electric feeling of finally, finally, being acknowledged. I have learned to take a step back and think: but what is this building to, actually. A responsive and predictable communication pattern is now the sexiest thing someone could offer me. And that wasn’t always the case!

And now the time had come to apply this outlook to my professional life. To, from the jump, make sure I’m setting myself up for success, for comfort, for my baseline needs to be met.

And so I did it. I drafted an email with my demands.

What if they leave the deal on the table? What if they walk away?

Wishing you a week of asking for what you want.

Love,
Ariella + Fran