Is there a gas leak in my apartment and is my skin going to burn off
Two sweet spirals from this week
THE GAS LEAK
The other night I had the most violent, aggressive gas of my life. Trombones. Likely aftershocks of the dairy parade that was Thanksgiving weekend (note: it’s been medically confirmed that I am heavily lactose intolerant but cheese makes me happy).
Needless to say I ruined my sisters’ nostrils on the drive home.
The next morning I felt close to terrible but not terrible enough to close the gates on dairy (could I ever feel terrible enough to eliminate cheese I wonder?). I went to my favorite small market with my mom the next morning and bought some crackers I just had to try. . .with brie!
That was my lunch before taking the train back to New York. Not entirely wise.
I got back to my apartment in pain and figured Italian food would make the best dinner. A soup and a plain pasta (smartish in theory?). I ordered a tortellini brodo and angel hair pasta. This plan backfired intensely: the soup was mostly salt but I ate it anyway and it made my stomach worse.
I downed a bottle of water, crawled towards my bed and assumed left-side lay, semi-fetal position (ideal for farting). I knew the storm was coming and was kind of excited to fart in the comfort of my bed. Sometimes it’s really just the best.
Well, absolute anus thunder emerged. I’d never experienced such agressive farting in my entire life. I woke up every few hours writhing in pain. Am I having sweats or is it just the radiator? Do I need to poop? Or worse, throw up? I refused to consider throw up as an option so, while the potential of poop was a lovely thought, I vowed not to step foot in the bathroom or near the toilet for fear of signaling a head-in-bowl moment. There will be no puke tonight.
At around 4:15 I woke up again and convinced myself that there was a gas leak in the apartment:
My tired brain completely forgot why I was up in the first place. My farts were so well-insulated in my bed sheets that I didn’t even recognize them as my own.
And what do you ask did I eat first thing in the morning? Cream cheese.
MY SKIN
I’ve been using those Dr. Dennis Gross AHA/BHA pads and yesterday:
I thought I might be lactose intolerant for a bit but it works out it's totally normal to have a stomach ache after eating a whole thing of ice cream :/
I thought I might be lactose intolerant for a bit but it works out it's totally normal to have a stomach ache after eating a whole thing of ice cream :/