Hello and happy weekend from a very belated newsletter.
A few weeks ago, I was packing for a friend’s wedding and classically threw myself into a shopping extravaganza three days before the event, searching for a dress that would make me look like an entirely different human being.
(or centaur from Fantasia). Cue a trip to Reformation aka the most pointless exertion of energy I’ve ever known.
This is the image I conjured for myself at around page 21 of 75 on nordstrom.com/browse/women/clothing/dresses.
When I’m in prep mode, I tend to get caught up in the mission of things, seeking for the “ultimate” solution to the task at hand. In this case, THE dress that will make me feel most like myself but at the same time completely different and new and and somehow also comfortable if possible. Oh and also like a centaur from Fantasia in case you forgot. The pressure builds and I begin to unravel when I consider all the ways I haven’t properly prepared my self and body to be at an event (I thought I got over this game in 2018, but here we are again). My Metamucil intake stalled sometime in June, my digestive system is especially temperamental (mostly because of my recent, mandated, gluten and dairy extravaganza), I haven’t washed my face properly in a month and my chest and neck and back are breaking out 💗
Eyes burning, and negative self-talk ensuing, I take a break from Nordstrom.com and make the groundbreaking decision to take a peek in my closet, you know, at the clothing I’ve hand-picked for myself and that presumably fits me and that has been proved to feel good on. There’s a time and place to pursue this elegant, collar-bone forward horse dress, but a shopping spree in 90° NYC hot mouth summer is not it.
And there it was in the back of my closet: a light, flowing, flower sack of a dress. No bra required. Heaven.
I threw her up and over and on, strapped on a pair of heels got in front of the mirror. The answer to my current panic couldn’t be this easy…
I texted my friends as photo, crossing my fingers that I’d get approval. We passed. A weight lifted. Elated a shocked that a dress I bought for these exact situations was an acceptable fallback option, I laid the manic dress mission to rest, giddy.
I’ve done this scramble many times before—desperately chasing something new, or thinking I need to completely reinvent myself to feel good, only to arrive at an outfit that’s been sitting in my closet (you get the metaphor). I laughed to myself remembering a useless swimming safety video we had to watch each year at camp. There’s a kid who’s swimming in a lake and begins to panic, thrashing around. A lifeguard sees him struggling and calls out to him “hey, you’re ok! Just stand up!” The kid was in shallow water the entire time, equipped with all the tools he needed to save himself. He was just overwhelmed.
My building insecurity and anxiety in anticipation of this trip was pushing me to look outwards for comfort, when really what was going to feel good was sticking with a tried and true. And in this moment, tried and true was a light floral sack. With just a swipe of lipstick and a winged eye, I felt new and alive.
i have always been like this in anticipation of an event/trip, imagining my most ~aesthetic~ self possible, spending far too many hours manically scrolling! in the face of inflation i have been trying to save money, and realized i needed to break that habit - so i've been taking it as a challenge to only use what i already own. and guess what - it turned out just fine!
I have done this so many times that I now have to look at the “buyerarchy of needs” to check myself. Highly recommend! https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DolcaRLX0AEeCY0.jpg